December 15, 2015
Santa and elves vow to persevere despite year of hardship
NORTH POLE – After a year of upheaval in the North Pole, Santa Claus today announced, in a news conference organized by Yulu PR, that Christmas will indeed go ahead as planned.
The decision comes after a series of setbacks, including a strike by elf workers on the toy line in April during a gluten-free cookie shortage that paralyzed Santa’s Workshop. A close source (Prancer) later disclosed that the elves weren’t in fact allergic to gluten, but were all late converts to the Wheat Belly philosophy and were trying to stay trim for New Year’s Eve.
The unexpected sinking of part of Claus’ workshop due to the adverse effects of climate change on its ice-based foundation also put Christmas in jeopardy — the organization is hopeful world leaders at COP21 will take meaningful steps to combat climate change so it doesn’t have to relocate to Michigan.
Adding insult to injury, The North Pole suffered a major loss of brand equity in November when Starbucks removed almost all traces of Christmas from its coffee cups.
“Despite a slew of challenges this year, Santa is coming to town,” insisted Claus. “We know it’s been an especially tough year for the children of the world. They shouldn’t have to just settle for festive spirit and goodwill to all – they deserve presents as well!”
Though tabloid pictures of North West’s mommy kissing Santa Claus surfaced on TMZ, Claus asserted that all is still merry under the marital mistletoe with his wife of 900 years, Mrs. Martha H. Claus.
“There won’t be a Kermit and Miss Piggy debacle happening with us,” Claus insisted, adding that the Clauses were not interested in meeting Kermit’s new girlfriend just yet.
Former Prime Minister Stephen Harper was spotted at the North Pole in late October, purportedly lobbying on behalf of the coal industry for the expansion of the Naughty List. Santa refuted that he had been successful, but did let slip that Kim Davis and Donald Trump would be receiving particularly large lumps of the stuff for their divisive, fear-mongering ways.
Santa and his crew will set off to deliver gifts, Christmas cheer, even a few lumps of coal on December 24.
Happy holidays from the Yulu crew. Let your friends know you saw it here first – Christmas is on schedule this year!